Friday Funny

When I first moved to Colorado in 1988, my dad informed me I would keep a first aid kit, tow kit and emergency rations in my car at all times. A blanket, pillow, a week's worth of water (which would have to be changed out once in a while so as not to go stagnant), two days' worth of nonperishable food, flashlight, fresh batteries (which also would have to be updated on a regular basis), shovel, toothbrush and toothpaste (yes, for real), fire-starting materials, a warm coat, hat and gloves, and a change of clothes.

I was not a little girl anymore, but I knew my dad had seen his share of tragedies, having worked closely with law enforcement on every government level throughout my entire childhood.

Little did he or I know all those years ago I wouldn't be putting Dad's ER kit into action after running off the side of a road in the middle of winter, but in church on a springy Sunday morning...

I was to be the soprano in a ladies' trio performing "The Lord is My Shepherd" to set the mood for the upcoming Holy Week. Bright and early Palm Sunday, one of our altos had an emergency and would not be able to attend. The second alto had to learn the first alto part half an hour before church began.

Needless to say, the two of us were bursting at the seams with nervousness.

Literally.

I took my seat at the back of the church after our impromptu practice. The budget-priced zipper on the back of my 18-year-old handmade dress picked that exact moment to give up the ghost. Top to bottom. All 22 inches.

The Lizard later said he wished he could have caught the look on my face on camera. However, being the marvelous reptile he is, he scurried without question to the car to see if it contained anything that might cover the unsightly.

While he was gone, which seemed like years, I tried not to move, thanking my lucky stars I'd chosen to sit at the back of the church, where no one could see the back of me, as I studied each woman who entered the chapel. Rose was wearing a sweater! Liz was wearing a sweater! Veronica was wearing a sweater!

So if The Lizard's scavenger hunt proved fruitless, I could send him to borrow a sweater. My friends would rally around me. They might laugh, but they would graciously respond to my need.

Moments later The Lizard returned, loud, obnoxious, totally unchurchy fleece in hand, but the nearly fluorescent lime green and purple hoodie would do the trick. I'd look like an Easter egg, but all parts of me would be decently covered.

"Don't you keep a spare dress in the car somewhere?" he asked as he helped me slide the warm, hot, sizzling, scorching, blistering and unseasonal extra layer over my head.

Um, yes, I did. But then cycling season ended. I didn't need the emergency two-piece set in the car anymore. Or so I thought. The blouse needed laundering, and the skirt soon lost its waistband, yet another of Life's Most Embarrassing Moments. But I did keep fleece in the car. Colorado weather can change without notice. Zippers can give out without warning. Fleece can be such a handy item.

As I sat sweating as much from the fear of singing in front of a congregation as from wearing winter fleece on the first tropical and humid Sunday of the year, I wondered if this could have happened at a worse time.

Well, yes, it could have. It could have happened while I was at the microphone. Just how hard would it have been to hit those high notes then?!?

Fleece is highly efficient at wicking moisture away from the body without making the wearer look as though she is a bundle of nerves. That fleece was the perfect camouflage for the balls of sweat furiously painting my underarms.

I survived the duo. That one-time Easter dress likely will find its way into the quilt stash, even though I am fully capable of replacing a zipper. It just doesn't go with my bright and obnoxious emergency fleece.

Tweet

Pin It